Saturday, August 25, 2007
borchestral: Describing the effect of hearing Pachelbel's Canon played 20 minutes straight by 101 Strings while you're on hold with Customer "Service."
Astrolians: Weird aliens who subsist on a noxious brown paste ("Vegemite").
To mark the debut of the Invitational's appearance in the Saturday Style section after more than 14 years in the Sunday paper, we'll devote our annual Tour de Fours neologism contest to the letters SATR. This week: Coin and define a humorous word that includes -- with no other letters between them, but in any order you like -- the letters S, A, T and R, as in the examples above. It has to be a new word, not a new definition for a well-known existing word. You may add a hyphen for clarity. A funny example of its use would not be rejected out of hand.
Winner receives the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. First runner-up gets the rock pictured here, which is a genuine dinosaur poop fossil, according to the Web site where Loser Peter Metrinko of Chantilly ordered it. In any case, it is a heavy, colorful, craggy big-fist-size rock with all sorts of lines and cool colors that look pretty darn dinosaur-poopy to us.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable Mentions(or whatever they're called that week) get one of the lusted-after Style Invitatonal Magnets. One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday, Sept. 4. Put "Week 728" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published Sept. 22. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Anne Paris. This week's Honorable Mentions name is by Jay Shuck.
Report From Week 724in which we asked you to summarize books, movies or plays in rhyming verses of two to four lines. A number of the funnier entries were comments about the works rather than actual summaries, but the Empress, typically, imperiously ignored her own directions.
4. "Remembrance of Things Past":
A plate of biscuits dunked in tea,
A distant childhood memory . . .
These incidents move Proust to jot a
Load of yadda, yadda, yadda.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
3. "De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium":
Copernicus proves what we already knew:
The universe doesn't revolve around you.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington)
2. the winner of the George Bush "pants on fire" doll:
"Jurassic Park":
Spielberg makes a dino-island
Guarded by an ocean moat.
When the dinosaurs escape,
They're going to need a bigger goat.
(Laura McGinnis, Takoma Park)
"The Scarlet Letter":
Hester Prynne conceives in sin.
In Puritan excess,
She has to pay and wear that "A" -- "adulterer" -- on her dress.
She snubs Rev. Arthur Dimmesdale's pleas
that she expose the father.
She knows he's glad (this next
rhyme's bad) 'cause "A,"
it stands for "Arthur."
(Ellen Raphaeli, Falls Church)
"Anna Karenina":
Anna loved Vronsky a fearsome amount,
And under a train, she went down for the Count.
(Mae Scanlan, Washington)
"Braveheart":
William Wallace fights against the English,
Battling over every Scottish acre,
Wearing kilts and so much gaudy makeup
To overshadow even Tammy Bakker.
(Howard Walderman, Columbia)
"Close Encounters of the Third Kind":
Guy goes nuts for Devil's Tower,
Drives there ninety miles an hour.
The creatures beckoned him, alone,
With that "Re-mi-do-do-so" ring tone.
(Dave Prevar, Annapolis)
"De Revolutionibus Orbium Coelestium":
Copernicus was worried that the church would have his head,
So he held off publication until very nearly dead.
Let's give old Nick some credit; it's a clever tactic, very --
It isn't every guy who writes his own orbit-uary.
(Brendan Beary)
"Equus" -- describing an act of near-slaughter --
Is now linked forever to nude Harry Potter.
(Olivia Walch, Fairfax Station)
"Gigi":
Chevalier "for little girls" thanked Heaven with a smile.
He seemed about as charming as a chronic pedophile.
(Randy Lee, Burke)
"Groundhog Day":
Being sick, not with the flu
But a chronic case of deja vu,
Bill Murray tries to bunk a bonnie
In the town of Punxsutawney.
(Peter Metrinko, Chantilly)
"Gulliver's Travels":
No surprise:
What matters most in men is size.
(Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
"Ishtar":
This film explains, by foolish plot,
Why Mike Nichols directs, and Elaine May not.
(Bruce Alter, Fairfax Station, Va.)
"Jaws":
The mayor's concern for the image of Amity
Leads the populace into the Jaws of calamity.
(Lance Becker, Burke)
"Joy of Cooking":
Recipes for any venue
(Once you add a take-out menu).
(Kevin Dopart)
"Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus";
A woman thinks of love, a man about his . . . next sexual encounter.
(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.)
"The Old Man and the Sea" -- what an
Ernest bore:
128 pages of fishing for a metaphor.
(Jerry Gumbiner, Washington)
"Portnoy's Complaint":
How 'bout that Alex Portnoy? He was
startlingly candid.
Consider, too, his manuscript: He typed it all one-handed.
(Brendan Beary)
"Pretty Woman":
If you're rich, but something's missing,
It's a ho you should be kissing.
(Anne Paris, Arlington)
"Pygmalion":
She just needed lessons, he hadn't a doubt.
So Higgins forced an "h" on her -- and she got the H out.
(Jay Shuck, Minneapolis)
"Rosemary's Baby":
The pregnancy does not go well;
Appalled, she births a kid-from-hell.
But motherhood is such a joy!
She dotes on her Beelzeboy.
(Beverley Sharp, Washington)
"The Sixth Sense":
With his Sixth Sense, Haley Joel
Could hear the corpses talking.
But who could guess that Bruce was just
Another dead man walking?
(Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
"The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde":
Mr. Hyde subdued his weak half:
Jekyll should have stuck with decaf.
(David Smith, Santa Cruz, Calif.)
"A Streetcar Named Desire":
Vivien blanched when she saw the great dangers
Of depending upon the kindness of strangers
And Brando gave a Stella performance
In that cellar in New Orlance.
(Beryl Benderly, Washington)
"Sweeney Todd":
The barber on Fleet Street is baking a treat --
It's a pie with this moral: You are what you eat.
(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
"Thelma and Louise":
Two best friends drove off a cliff
(In freeze frame, holding hands).
They couldn't take no more BS
From all them evil mans.
(Randy Lee)
"Titanic":
'Twas praised as "the Unsinkable,"
But then came the unthinkable.
How joyfully they'd raised a cup,
With toasts prophetic: "Bottoms Up!"
(Beverley Sharp)
"2001: A Space Odyssey":
Assisted by a big black slab,
The planet's apes contrive
To ultimately program HAL
With Windows 95.
(Kevin Dopart)
"The Yearling":
Beloved pet becomes a menace and
Child turns it into venison.
(Laura McGinnis)
Next Week: Beggars for Description, or Get the Picture
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